As a Christian woman, the messages we receive from the Bible and from the world are often very conflicting.
The world tells us that we need to be successful, ambitious, pursuing our own dreams and empowered to understand our true value. The world tells us that we are entitled to overthrow the authority of our husbands and become the leaders of our households, while simultaneously demanding that they bring us flowers, open doors for us, 'spoil us' with shopping sprees and remember every possible excuse to lavish gifts on us. During pregnancy the ante is raised even more, as we are encouraged that the men are responsible for running out at all hours to get us our hearts' desires, be it pickles, slurpees or onion rings. And if the men fail to do any of these things for us we are taught to punish them by withholding affection from them, building up barriers and refusing to communicate with them, and inviting the girls over for a session of 'husband bashing' where we talk about all the ways our husbands are letting us down.
Granted, in most church circles, it's clear to see that most of the examples I listed above are not reasonable and are unbecoming for a Christian woman, but I think many times we don't realize how rapidly the poison of this world spreads and taints our perspectives.
Picture this: it's Mother's Day. You got up early to make breakfast because you all had places that you needed to be, you rushed to get the the kids ready and out the door, your husband says "Happy Mother's Day" but because times are tight there's no card or flowers. You go through your day like any other day - cleaning, taking care of screaming kids (who seem much crankier than normal), making supper, and even doing all the dishes after you eat. It's about this time that you sit down, look around at how your day went and think, "I deserve better on my special day," and suddenly you're angry with your husband for not pampering you more and you remind him about how men are supposed to make their wives breakfast and do all the dishes and help out with the kids more on Mother's Day.
Is it understandable that you feel like that? Yes. Is it reasonable to feel that way? Perhaps.
Does it reflect a true heart of selflessness and servitude that is focused solely on God's glory? Not quite.
Now, it's not bad to be frustrated in these circumstances. It's the sense of entitlement we feel that's the issue, and how our desire to imitate Christ can be overpowered by our own desire to be served.
We feel entitled to being pampered on Mother's Day, and when that doesn't happen to our standards, we feel let down, neglected and hurt. But I've never seen anything in the Bible that talks about, "Set aside one day a year where you are justified in your desire to be served and where selfish expectations are acceptable. Don't worry about having a servant's heart on that day." But I have seen parts that say things like, "Who is wise and understanding in you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. If you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:13-17
The 'wisdom' of the world tells us that on Mother's Day, and Valentines Day, or any other such day, that we are entitled to being served and we should expect it. But that's the world's 'wisdom'.
Again, to go over things that I am not saying, I am not saying that it is bad to get flowers on Mother's Day. I am not saying that it is bad to be served by your husband. But what the Bible teaches is that "even as the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28) We are always to have a servant's heart. If your husband failed to observe a special day because he was inwardly focused instead of concerning himself about serving you, it is sinful, but our husband's sin does not justify our own. And to take your eyes off of God's glory, and to shift our focus onto our own pride and desires is idolatry.
We will always be serving a god. Every little thing we do, every action we perform, is serving someone or something. The real question is: who/what are we serving? Who/what is our god? What are we making into an idol? And if the answer is anything other than 'God', it's wrong.
In Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife, Martha provides a List of Common Idols ("False Gods") that are stumbling blocks for wives:
1. Good health
2. Physical appearance
3. Having a Christian marriage
4. Being treated fairly
5. Having a hurt-free/pain-free life
6. Worldly pleasures (drugs, alcohol, sex)
7. A child or children
8. Another person
9. A material thing
10. An ideal ("pro-life movement", "peace movement")
11. Money
12. Success
13. Others' approval
14. Being in control
15. Having your "needs" met
The funny thing about look over this list is that there are lots of good things on there. We should desire to have a Christian marriage, and we should pursue good health... but those things should never be our primary purpose. Things like being appreciated, being right, loving your husband, volunteering, helping others... these should never supersede our top priority of glorifying God and loving Him. We can never abandon our chief end, even for a moment, or we become guilty of idolatry - even if we a pursuing a 'righteous' goal.
How does this look practically? It's serving your husband and submitting to him even when he lets you down. It's always working, not for our own gain, but for other's, to God's glory. It means not ever excusing sin because you are working towards a goal other than God (you can be right in an arguement and wrong in a fight when your 'god' shifts). It's realizing that some of the desires we have actually conflict with what God desires for our hearts and lives, and submitting to His way, and desire to follow the example set by His Son.
How do we do this practically? Well, it begins by shedding the worldly "wisdom" we have acquired and replacing it in our hearts with God's wisdom and love of His word. We need to realize that the only person whose obedience to God we have any real control over is ourselves, and while we may be right in thinking our husbands should be doing something differently, or better, we should always work to serve God in how we respond to them - not ourselves.
Questions:
What are some things that can be idols in your life?
What are some pieces of "wordly wisdom" that you have been deceived into believing?
How can you practically glorify God as you serve your husband and children this week?
We're praying for God's grace to open our eyes to the things in our hearts and lives that aren't of Him, and thanking Him for a better way than what the world has to offer us!
To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!
The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective, by Martha Peace. FOCUS Publishing Incorporated Copyright 1995, 1999, 2005 pgs. 60-61
Thursday 21 June 2012
Thursday 7 June 2012
Our First Love
Do you remember when you were dating your husband? Many of us were quite young then, and more than a little twitter-pated. We'd stay up until all hours talking on the phone, take any opportunity to spend time with eachother and think about them all the time. If you had a long-distance relationship you probably spent more weekends visiting him than was strictly advisable and you probably spent a pretty penny getting there. You knew that you loved him, you knew that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, and you couldn't wait until you could finally do that.
Fast-forward to present times. We love our husbands - we know that they are good men, we value them and we trust them. They have their flaws, granted, but we know that they are a blessing in our lives and we really do love them.
But is it the same as our first love for them?
In Revelation 2:4, Jesus rebukes the church in Ephesus for, "abandon[ing] the love you had at first." These were people who were doing all the right things: they toiled, they endured, they tested and did not grow weary. But, they forgot the first love that they had for Christ. It was like a wife who did all the housework, and watched the kids, who volunteered in the church and brought meals to sick people, but who did it all without her husband in mind, or at heart.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
It's easy to get caught up in life. It's easy to let our day-to-day regime get so intense that our efforts are focused on merely getting through the day. It's easy to get comfortable once we have a routine, where we can do the same thing over and over again without much deviation and think that we are being successful because our house is clean and our kids are well-mannered. But our hearts have to be in it, or all that we do is for naught. And where should our hearts be, exactly? First with our God, and then with our husbands.
If you're in a rut, if you've lost your first love, here is your call to snap out of it. Pursue God. Fellowship with Him and spend time in His presence. Serve Him and worship Him in all you do.
Likewise, pursue your husband. Regardless of whether or not you deem your marriage to be 'healthy' or otherwise, pursue him. If you feel like the first love has gone out in your marriage, you can wait bitterly for him to pursue you, or you can begin to break down walls by taking the first step by serving him. If there aren't walls built up in your marriage, still pursue him, and build him up by your love and affection.
Here are some practical ideas for how to serve your husband and demonstrate your love for him. But don't treat these things like a To Do list, where once you've done them you'll have a better marriage; treat these things like tools to help you refocus your priorities - first on God and His holy commands, and then on your husband. Do them prayerfully, selflessly and for the joy of your husband and the glory of God - and always remember the first love you had for them
1) Do his chores: Mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, painting the fence, whatever job is usually assigned to him - get it done before he gets home and it will be a pleasant surprise for him and will help him know you desire to give him joy and peace. (side note: make sure your husband knows this was not a way of showing your displeasure at a task not getting done soon enough! If you can't do it without bitterness, pick another job!!)
2) Make his favorite food: Yes, even if it's boxed Mac and Cheese. If he's not a 'favorites' kind of guy, make something that you haven't had in a really long time, or that you know he likes but you've never made it at home! This will show him that you're thinking of him through the day and will help you to demonstrate that you don't just do housework because it's your 'job' - you do it because you love him!
3) Make him breakfast: Lots of women do this regularly, and it's a great habit to have. Starting your day out together enforces your united front, gives you some time to connect before you face the world, and will show him that he's worth getting up for, even if you could have slept in a half hour longer otherwise!
4) Invite his family over: Grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, siblings - pick someone you don't see regularly but you know he enjoys. Make a point of inviting them and setting time aside for them. He'll know it's all for him and he'll appreciate the opportunity to see them.
5) Go with his opinion: We all do it... "Which of these do you like best???" He answers (wrong) and you go with the one you wanted all along. Trust his judgement once, even if it's not the way you would have gone. He'll be flattered that you trust his taste, and pleased that he could be helpful. And next time - don't bother asking if you're not actually indifferent!
6) Have a day that's all about him: Listen to his radio station, eat at his favorite restaurant, take part in his hobbies and enjoy the time together! He'll appreciate your interest, or at very least your attempt!
7) Give him a scalp/foot/back massage: And this time, no trades - just don't expect him to be awake at the end!
8) Wear that dress/shirt/necklace that you don't like, but that he picked out for you, to a high-visibility event. If you don't know what I'm talking about, and love everything he's ever given you - compliment his taste and tell him how much you appreciate all the wonderful things he's given you!
9) Say 'yes' to something you usually say 'no' to: whether it's watching a war movie, going on a hike or fishing - if there's something that he really enjoys, but feels like he can't enjoy it with you, he may not get to partake in that pastime as often as he would like to. Surprise him the next time he brings it up and let him know that you'd love to spend the time with him, even if you don't love the activity.
10) Keep your bedroom clean as a place that you can relax in together: for those of us who don't have the gift of cleaning (right here!) it can be easy to clean for company, and to focus more on parts of the house that are visible to a wider range of people. However, our priority should not be on pleasing the visitors we welcome into our home nearly as much as it should be on pleasing and serving our husbands. Your bedroom is your space together, and it can be hard to unwind and rest in a messy space that reminds you of how much you still have to do. Keep paperwork out of your bedroom, and ensure that it isn't a place of stress, but of peace.
To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!
Fast-forward to present times. We love our husbands - we know that they are good men, we value them and we trust them. They have their flaws, granted, but we know that they are a blessing in our lives and we really do love them.
But is it the same as our first love for them?
In Revelation 2:4, Jesus rebukes the church in Ephesus for, "abandon[ing] the love you had at first." These were people who were doing all the right things: they toiled, they endured, they tested and did not grow weary. But, they forgot the first love that they had for Christ. It was like a wife who did all the housework, and watched the kids, who volunteered in the church and brought meals to sick people, but who did it all without her husband in mind, or at heart.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
It's easy to get caught up in life. It's easy to let our day-to-day regime get so intense that our efforts are focused on merely getting through the day. It's easy to get comfortable once we have a routine, where we can do the same thing over and over again without much deviation and think that we are being successful because our house is clean and our kids are well-mannered. But our hearts have to be in it, or all that we do is for naught. And where should our hearts be, exactly? First with our God, and then with our husbands.
If you're in a rut, if you've lost your first love, here is your call to snap out of it. Pursue God. Fellowship with Him and spend time in His presence. Serve Him and worship Him in all you do.
Likewise, pursue your husband. Regardless of whether or not you deem your marriage to be 'healthy' or otherwise, pursue him. If you feel like the first love has gone out in your marriage, you can wait bitterly for him to pursue you, or you can begin to break down walls by taking the first step by serving him. If there aren't walls built up in your marriage, still pursue him, and build him up by your love and affection.
Here are some practical ideas for how to serve your husband and demonstrate your love for him. But don't treat these things like a To Do list, where once you've done them you'll have a better marriage; treat these things like tools to help you refocus your priorities - first on God and His holy commands, and then on your husband. Do them prayerfully, selflessly and for the joy of your husband and the glory of God - and always remember the first love you had for them
1) Do his chores: Mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, painting the fence, whatever job is usually assigned to him - get it done before he gets home and it will be a pleasant surprise for him and will help him know you desire to give him joy and peace. (side note: make sure your husband knows this was not a way of showing your displeasure at a task not getting done soon enough! If you can't do it without bitterness, pick another job!!)
2) Make his favorite food: Yes, even if it's boxed Mac and Cheese. If he's not a 'favorites' kind of guy, make something that you haven't had in a really long time, or that you know he likes but you've never made it at home! This will show him that you're thinking of him through the day and will help you to demonstrate that you don't just do housework because it's your 'job' - you do it because you love him!
3) Make him breakfast: Lots of women do this regularly, and it's a great habit to have. Starting your day out together enforces your united front, gives you some time to connect before you face the world, and will show him that he's worth getting up for, even if you could have slept in a half hour longer otherwise!
4) Invite his family over: Grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, siblings - pick someone you don't see regularly but you know he enjoys. Make a point of inviting them and setting time aside for them. He'll know it's all for him and he'll appreciate the opportunity to see them.
5) Go with his opinion: We all do it... "Which of these do you like best???" He answers (wrong) and you go with the one you wanted all along. Trust his judgement once, even if it's not the way you would have gone. He'll be flattered that you trust his taste, and pleased that he could be helpful. And next time - don't bother asking if you're not actually indifferent!
6) Have a day that's all about him: Listen to his radio station, eat at his favorite restaurant, take part in his hobbies and enjoy the time together! He'll appreciate your interest, or at very least your attempt!
7) Give him a scalp/foot/back massage: And this time, no trades - just don't expect him to be awake at the end!
8) Wear that dress/shirt/necklace that you don't like, but that he picked out for you, to a high-visibility event. If you don't know what I'm talking about, and love everything he's ever given you - compliment his taste and tell him how much you appreciate all the wonderful things he's given you!
9) Say 'yes' to something you usually say 'no' to: whether it's watching a war movie, going on a hike or fishing - if there's something that he really enjoys, but feels like he can't enjoy it with you, he may not get to partake in that pastime as often as he would like to. Surprise him the next time he brings it up and let him know that you'd love to spend the time with him, even if you don't love the activity.
10) Keep your bedroom clean as a place that you can relax in together: for those of us who don't have the gift of cleaning (right here!) it can be easy to clean for company, and to focus more on parts of the house that are visible to a wider range of people. However, our priority should not be on pleasing the visitors we welcome into our home nearly as much as it should be on pleasing and serving our husbands. Your bedroom is your space together, and it can be hard to unwind and rest in a messy space that reminds you of how much you still have to do. Keep paperwork out of your bedroom, and ensure that it isn't a place of stress, but of peace.
To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!
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